As the time draws near for the conference to begin, the lights slowly fade to complete darkness. The crowd grows silent, eagerly anticipating the amazing presentation they've come to expect from Nintendo. They have no idea.
After several seconds, the silence is interrupted by the opening riff to AC/DC's "Back in Black". As the lyrics start, the audience watches in awe as Reggie and Miyamoto, wearing jetpacks, fly in simultaneously from opposite ends of the stage and high-five each other in mid-air. Upon further inspection, it becomes apparent that Reggie's jetpack is a full-sized, working model of FLUDD from Super Mario Sunshine; and Miyamoto's is a modified version of Luigi's Poltergust 3000. The two begin the battle of the century, demonstrating the features of their jetpacks, all of which are completely identical to their ingame counterparts: Reggie quickly switches to the Rocket Nozzle and blasts through the roof of the conference hall, sending anyone within a 30 foot radius flying. He then switches to the Turbo Nozzle and begins running at top speed through the crowd, slapping five with everyone in rapid succession.
When Reggia returns to the stage, the entire room is soaked, so Miyamoto decides to dry it up with his Poltergust's flamethrower attachment. Three people are severely injured while several others run away in terror. Reggie welcomes all in attendance to "the most bitchin-ass @!$%' E3 OF ALL GOD DAMN TIME" and explains that both jetpack models will be available for purchase by late 2013. He then clarifies that yes, they WILL come with parental controls to restrict the more dangerous features. Miyamoto then chimes in, now speaking perfect English, that the Poltergust's added features will only be available with the separate purchase of Element Medals that will grant the holder the power to harness elemental ghost energy.
"But," Reggie interrupts, "this is just about the least exciting news we have for you today." He and Miyamoto both put on pairs of sunglasses, and they strongly urge everyone in attendance to put on their complementary sunglasses as well. Once everyone has them on, Reggie grabs an electric guitar from thin air and plays an earth-shattering chord, after which the highlight of the show appears: the new and improved Wii U. The first thing everyone notices about it is that its shininess makes it harmful to the naked eye, hence the sunglasses. After a quick explanation of the specs, it is revealed to be as powerful as a modern high-end gaming computer. It can play games from any Nintendo console ever at a 4K resolution. It also has DVD playback.
On the 3000" TV that has been sitting there the whole time, a launch list appears:
-Super Mario Sunshine 64 128 Galaxy 2
-NEWER Super Mario Bros. Mii: Velociraptor Edition
-Luigi's Mansion THREE
-The Legend of Zeldude: Windshield Wiper
It is also revealed that every game ever available for the Xbox 360 and PS3 will be made available with enhanced graphics and features for the new and improved console from Nintendo. Nintendo is also now releasing every popular N64 and Gamecube title on the Wii U, also with enhanced graphics and features. The real news is that all Wii U games will be sold on a "pay what you want" policy, because, to quote Miyamoto, "only casuals pay for games".
"Now," Reggie says, "we would like to respond to some people's complaints that our console's name is unfitting, especially for what you've seen here today so far. "Have we got news for you."
Suddenly, an impossibly loud roar is heard from somewhere far above the conference hall. A familiar figure bursts through the ceiling and lands on the stage, creating a three-foot-deep crater. It is none other than Gabe Newell.
"I'll take it from here," he says, also wearing sunglasses.
"What we have here is what I like to call the 'Nintendo Gabe'. While my friend Reggie has already revealed that the Gabe will play pretty much any game ever invented, I am pleased to announce that the name is not just for show---the Nintendo Gabe will, indeed, have Steam capabilities. You can seamlessly link it to your steam account, and any games purchased through steam will automatically be made available on both your PC/Mac and your Nintendo Gabe. Alternatively, any game you've purchased for the Wii U can be played through the steam client on your PC/Mac. As a great man once said, "it just works".
The audience takes a moment to recognize Steve Jobs, who is revealed to have donated 700 million dollars to the Nintendo Gabe project shortly before his passing.
"Anyway, without further adieu, I'd like to reveal some of my own releases for the Gabe," Gabe continues.
The lights once again black out, this time instantly. Before long the room is illuminated by a giant number '3' on the big screen. This soon branches out to reveal several different game logos: Half Life 3, Left 4 Dead 3, Portal 3, Team Fortress 3, and the unrelated "Valve Party", a game where your favorite Valve characters travel across a game board collecting coins and stars while trying to avoid GLaDOS spaces.
"Oh, and by the way," Gabe finishes, "you can buy a collection of fabulous hats for your Nintendo Gabe." He then flies out of the room, creating a different hole in the ceiling from the one he made on the way in.
At the end of the conference, just as everything is coming to a close and Reggie is about to sing his goodbye song, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer walks on stage looking very angry.
"I thought I told you to leave town," Reggie says.
"I had business to take care of," Ballmer replies.
Both of them rip their shirts off, revealing toned six-pack abs. They put on boxing gloves and stare at each other intently.
"Let's make this interesting," Reggie says. "Winner gets Rare."
"You're on," Ballmer replies. The bell rings, and the two begin the fight of the century. Just as the fight looks to be evenly matched, Miyamoto sneaks up behind Ballmer and hits him on the head with a frying pan, knocking him out cold.
"That's for the metro UI," Miyamoto says, as he puts on a second pair of sunglasses.
Reggie stands on top of his newly defeated nemesis and announces that Rare is now free from the tyranny of Microsoft, and they can finally make good games again. Immediately, all the souls of former Rare employees are released from Ballmer's wallet and announce that they will immediately begin work on two new games: Conker's Other Bad Day, and "Banjo Threeie: Ignore the Other One".
By this point everyone in the audience is obviously already completely naked (except for the sunglasses), so it's only natural that they all erupt in a record-breaking orgy the likes of which nobody has ever seen. Reggie, announcing that his body is indeed ready for this, strips the rest of his clothes off and jumps into the crowd of naked, sweaty bodies.
Miyamoto, wiping a tear from his eye, closes the conference: "This is what I always throught gaming could be."
All major sites and TV networks recording the conference immediately cut off the broadcast; the only one left is Nintendo's official website, which keeps the stream going throughout the entirety of the orgy and provides a video for free from then on.
That's pretty much how it should go